Hailing from a robust bastion of intergenerational bud smokers in the Pacific Northwest, I was raised and blazed with the notion that smoking weed is fun no matter where you do it, when you do it, and who you do it with. That Mary J naiveté disappeared when I found myself on a college exchange program overseas, and discovered that one of my classmates had a solid hash connection. I let him know I was cool to chill, and he invited me over to smoke one day after class.
I was excited to try some blazing brown bricks with my hopeful new buddies. I’ll never forget the moment that I entered their dorm room, greeted by crappy, unrecognizable music, and a lame nonchalant greeting. They passed me the water-bottle-turned-bong to toke on some hash. I Inhaled, I coughed, and then expecting the usual enthusiastic welcoming into a new smoking circle, the fun stopped there. The group who invited me were busy, non communicative, and otherwise lame.
Then it hit me – not all smoking circles are created equal. There are people and situations that can become a Mary Calamity Jane. Go ahead, hashtag it next time your “friend” kills the mood.
It is from the bottom of my lungs that I bring to you loyal Blazers, and blazer friendly folk a guide to dodge such unfortunate buzzkills; and never waste your weed on the wrong situation.
This rule applies for most activities, but none as crucial as weed smoking. Whether you’re in a relationship with a non-smoker, or hanging out with some guy or gal who prides themselves on saying, “my lungs have never smoked anything,” these people will kill your high faster than receiving the news your cat Snuffles, has cancer… and only three days to live. How could anything get worse than Snuffles biting the bullet?
At least if Snuffles gets sick, you two can chief together for his final three days, and enjoy that unconditional love between cat and chronic.
But with haters around, it’s like good vibe suicide.
Anyone who puts distance between themselves and you and your high vibes cannot possibly help you reach your ultimate goofiness, or state of zen. Weed makes us feel connected to other people, and to nature. If the person sitting across from you has their nose turned, then turn away from them, and put on the newest Coldplay Music Video. You’re welcome.
While blazing has been known to improve the excitement of any activity, filling out forms and paperwork can only be more boring and annoying if takes you even longer to complete. Whether you’re a seasoned stoner or a one-and-done kind of smoker, if you’re smoking right, the weed should inevitably slow down your progress in filling out annoying forms; sometimes causing you to take more time — or worse, make a mistake and have do it over again. When that happens, you might as well re-roll that joint, because when you’ve crossed the final ‘t,’ and dotted the last ‘i,’ you can rest assured your need to reapply your high is nigh.
Yep, whether it’s your parents, your boss, or some unknown caller, talking on the phone while stoned is just an arduous undertaking. Weed makes you want to see and feel things, and a phone call accomplishes the exact opposite. Not to mention, that if you’re talking to a real chatterbox, the amount of mental exertion you have to use to (sound sober, and still) follow their long-winded stories rarely seems worth it; especially if you have a huge bag of Jalapeno Cheddar Chex Mix in front of you, and the Tron soundtrack queued up on your dope sound system.
But, don’t be rude, just politely tell your friend on the other line to join you for an experience that can only be enjoyed side-by-side, and not on a phone!
If they reject you, they’re probably a hater, and we know how to deal with those types by now.
It’s kind of a buzzkill to even mention these, but don’t smoke and bury your friend’s mother, or go to the hospital to hold your loved one’s hand before they go into surgery. Being high is great, but so is getting high after you get to focus completely on some of the more important and less fun things in life. We all have to go through some real shit from time to time, and when we do, it’s good to keep your head clear, not just so you can be present, but so you don’t get extra heavy emotions thanks to the wonderful Mary J, who will always help you enhance whatever feelings you’re having at that time.
The best part of staying sober during those moments, is after the last tear is shed, or the final hand is shaken, you can go take some deep breaths, some big hits, and relish in your undisturbed high for as long as you can stay awake.
To sum up:
I believe that most occasions lend well to a little flowery goodness, but like all things in this world, even the most perfect flower isn’t right for all occasions… if it was, we’d grow weed out of our hair follicles. Just like you wouldn’t do cocaine before a bikram yoga class, you don’t need to smoke before filling out a 60-page family medical history background.
This is not to say that weed will ruin your experiences in these scenarios, but these scenarios will ruin the effect of the weed, and nobody wants that.
So, my parting message to my beloved Mary Jane Dabblers is: remember that to stay high you must avoid the things that make you low. Stay off your phone, unless it’s for pizza delivery (and even then, go online), stay away from people who judge or question your smoking. If you want to blaze through your paperwork – make sure to blaze after it’s done, and when real life situations hit, save that sweet Sheba hit for when your mind and body are back to normal and ready to soar in the clouds… then get that Coldplay Music Video playing again 😉
Your Blazin’ buddy,
Sir Arthur Chronic Doyle